innerscroll's Diaryland Diary
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Fantastic PLastic Lover
Today was the first real day of autumn. It really felt cold and miserable. It was windy and pooring rain. I think it's what's left of Rita comming to get us all wet and freezing in Canada. My feet are frozen and I'll be taking a nice, warm bath as soon as I finish this entry.
Last night was another mini-hell. I had one of my famous mood-swings again. A bad one. Thank God it didn't last too long. I was going to kick Louis out the door, and by that I mean physicaly kicking his ass. I was really upset with him. He started playing World of Warcraft, which any guy knows is obscenely addictive. I've been playing too, but being a chick, I am imune to the addictive effects of the evil game. It's getting ridiculous. He spends every waking moment he has (other than the time he's at work, at school, sleeping, on the can, eating -and even that one he can cheet- or having sex with me) playing that fucking game!!! I want to throw the computer out the window every time he gets sucked into it. It makes me so mad! I no longer have any time with him in which he isn't on his computer, or worse on my computer. So controling myself has been difficult.
Now pay attention because this is where the true reason I got out of control, other than my immensly apparent pms, comes out. Val, my very best friend is going to an audition on Saturday. She invited me to come along, well pleaded for me to go along, because she's nervous about going alone. So, of course, I agreed. I told Louis about it the next day. He immediately asked me to sleep at home. The way things work with us, is he sleeps over all week, then we go to his parents' place. I asked him if he had plans, he said no. I asked him if he wanted time alone to, you know, play. He said no. Two weeks ago we got into a huge fight because he wanted his time alone on weekends. Last week, I tried my best to give him that time alone. I never get a real reaction out of him. It's like he truly doesn't care either way...
Ok, I'm losing you and myself. Sorry!
Basicly, all of this together makes me feel like the only time he wants to spend time with me (as in alone, without THE GAME) is when he wants sex. Now, I love sex, but I love him too and I need to feel romantic love from him. I'm just not getting that.
I'm really worried now. Last night was pretty bad and I ever got to explain myself. I was just crying nervously and out of this anger. I hate it!
I asked Louis to hold me last night when I had finally gotten my senses. I think it was almost too much for him. He told me to control myself, that he couldn't deal with my random moods. He said he can't take me blowing up every month. So I'm scared.
I know myself. I know I'll do it again soon. I told him so. I said that he should probably think about where this is going and if he really meant what he said. He ignored me.
After my breathing started to slow and my body relax, he held me close. It was too late, I didn't need it anymore.
I've been thinking about this all day. It's terrifying. I adore him! He is so good to me, but I'm craving my romantic love. The one that keeps me going and keeps me well. I need to feel special for at least him.
I am in a lot of pain. I would like some feesback. Is this ridiculous of me, do I sound like a bipolar chick? Do any other chicks out there know what that blowout of emotion is or how to apease it?
6:28 p.m. - 2005-09-29
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